I broke down and went to the Gap yesterday to buy a couple of new pairs of jeans. I had to go up a size because I have put on some weight. It has been terribly depressing as I was hoping to fit back into my $500 Dolce & Gabbana floral pocket jeans again, as well as my $200 Rock & Republic dark wash wide leg jeans. Apparently I am materialistic too. Actually they are just really cool jeans. But yeah, excessively pricey. Anyhow that's not the point of this, but maybe there is some tie into what I am trying to say here in this post.
I have always had one size of jeans basically from high school up until 2009. Now I have 4 'sets' of jeans in various sizes.
I have my super skinny jeans that I had to buy in early 2010 when I lost 25 pounds when I first got sick with my nerve demylenating disease. Then I went back to normal weight after I could eat, but I lost a lot of muscle mass but put weight back on. Then I just kept eating and put on really unhealthy weight and now I have 2 more sets of jean sizes. Unreal.
However, there are a couple of things I have learned along the way from this jean sizing swing over the past 3 years:
I was basically hungry for 22 years being all slim. It kind of sucked. I was really missing out on the pleasures of food. I was eating for sustenance, I was certainly healthy and eating just enough, and working out all the time, but man was I missing out on some good things in life. Like dessert. After I got sick (and met my foodie boyfriend), I was exposed to some wonderful food, and I have enjoyed them (the food and my boyfriend)! But I hate myself at the same time for putting on the weight. Then I get mad and in self pity mode for getting this weird rare disease and not being able to workout like I have in the past.
On a plus side (literally) I kind of like having some curves. I'd just rather be fit and curvy, not soft and curvy. I don't think I ever want to be boobs on a stick ever again. And quite honestly, have you seen Madonna and Demi Moore up close? My photographer friend Ben said women as they get older look so much better with a little meat on their bones. Our skin elasticity deteriorates, we lose good collagen and we would end up looking all skeletor and skin kind of hanging. Pass, I think I'd prefer a more plump radiant look then.
I have also learned that I have enjoyed the swing from my past uber skinny fit me to the soft enjoy life me. However, to a certain degree I have been hiding behind the excuse of my disease to not be quite so active. True confession. There's somewhere in the middle I need to be now.
And doctors orders. My awesome neurologist and equally awesome primary both told me 150 minutes a week of some exercise is the minimum we need to stay healthy and that I need to be doing it (they also told me 90% of Americans do NOT).
I can tell you it is amazing, in just 3 years after a lifetime of being an athlete and working out my whole life how quickly it all unravels. I have ligament damage from being bed-ridden for 6 months and then in-active during the past 2 years recovery, as well as problems with joint pain, and other issues, and of course weight gain.
So...my recent trip to the doc ignited the flame I have to get back to exercising regularly to be healthy, and my most recent trip to the Gap was the vanity cue I needed to make it happen. I was there...but that was my tipping point, plus I'd like to get back into my designer jeans by spring!
In seriousness though, I feel like I have been given a gift to be able to walk again and do just about everything I was able to do before. It is my responsibility to get myself in the best shape I can be in to live a longer healthy life. Living with a chronic disease or pain or whatever sucks so bad, trust me. Many patients with my condition are in wheelchairs and face so many challenges. I am lucky.
I have concern for young women who do not take care of their bodies, and/or are starving themselves to be this unreal standard of what's beautiful. At least when I was growing up and through high school we were all very healthy and active and eating for goodness sake.
As women we have this constant barrage of images and expectations to be beautiful and skinny; I wish it was the same pressure to be healthy. I love the DOVE real women campaign and women like Jessica Simpson (I'm serious) who speak out on behalf of healthy women and what is real, true beauty.
I am going to make my exercising a priority again, embrace my curvier soon to be more fit me, and I am also going to keep eating dessert. And be happy.
I'll keep you posted. Be healthy, happy, run good! xo pdub
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